Moms The Word

We went to Marshfield for the weekend with our friends Neal and Jackie. I suspect Jackie may be onto us, but she's not pushing the subject (she's good like that). This brings up one of the most DIFFICULT points about pregnancy — keeping this most wonderful news a secret, until you're given the "all clear" signal by a doctor.

Especially for Steven. Example A: when he buys me a gift, let's say for my birthday, the day it arrives, he has to tell me what the gift is. No wrapping or unwrapping. No finding a fun place to hide it away. It doesn't even matter if my birthday is a month away!

It is especailly difficult for me not to call my mom and my sister Kelly, both stellar mothers in their own right. I've been waiting a lifetime to begin these conversations that we'll have over the next 9 months.

We've decided to hold out until our 10 week doctor visit. I'm guessing a heartbeat is the "all clear" signal we're waiting for. Thank GAD for this blog, my confidant.

Words of Advice

When your wife, after a year or so of trying, triumphantly holds out a positive pregnancy test stick while shouting, "Honey, we're pregnant!," it is inadvisable to respond with: "Great. Now our lives are ruined." Because no matter how much you're joking when you say it, it will at some point come back to bite you in the ass.

Also, I'm confused about the whole "We're pregnant" phraseology. I mean, technically speaking, I'm not any more pregnant than I was before we got pregnant. And if we're going to assume that because we're a married couple that that somehow makes it okay to say we're both pregnant, then shouldn't I do the right thing and get drunk on a regular basis — since Raegan, herself, can't? After each bacchanalian binge, I could raise a glass, smile, and proudly shout, "Honey, we're drunk!" knowing I was doing my part; enabling Raegan to vicariously experience the celebratory splendor of the moment. After all, I'm drinking for two! Er, three!!

I'm assuming the same logic goes for other vices too.

Another bit of advice for new fathers: if you thought you could never win an argument with your wife before she got pregnant, for the next nine months it will be literally impossible to do so, as you will always be outvoted two to one. So just keep that in mind.

Not So Nauseating

The freeloader in question is turning out to be a fairly amiable guest. I'm experiencing tiny waves of nausea, but nothing that leaves me worshiping at the porcelain pagoda. Of course, I'm using the bathroom constantly. There's just no manuevering around that one. I've been waking up nightly, between 3:30-4, jonsing for a snack. Usually a banana or a Kashi bar with milk. Steve grumbles anytime I leave the bed. Annoying!!

We celebrated Shelley's birthday tonight. I turned down the Sake and the Cappacinos, blaming it on the Weight Watchers diet. Anyone who knows my in-laws, knows it's hardly a celebration if alcohol and caffeine aren't invited.

We're Pregnant!

I woke up Monday with excruciating back pain. Not just the average, run-of-the-mill, "oh, I slept funny," backache, but serious "get out of the bed and examine yourself" pain. 2 days later and 2 days late, today I took the test. The news was so exciting, I couldn't even wait long enough to make it completely down the stairs. I made it about halfway and was winded with delight. Butt planted, face squeezed between the staircase railings like a prisoner calling out for a trip to the infirmary, I exclaimed, "we're pregnant!" I waved the EPT like a flag, surrendering my last days of good things, like wine, caffeine, and Advair.

This afternoon, I phoned my new OBGYN for an appointment. Before she even asked for my name, the receptionist calculated my due date. April 1, 2007. You've got to be kidding. My comedy-writer husband is going to love this...an April Fool's baby! I can almost play out his jokes, word-for-word, in my head: "We're not your real parents...April Fools!" The receptionist said I was 5 weeks along, and the Doctor wouldn't want to see me before 10 weeks. Wha, 10 weeks!?? That's so so far away!! I have a critter growing inside me!! I have questions. Is it in the right place? Am I eating enough? Is my husband going to stress me into having a miscarriage?